tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15474282398716528112024-03-05T11:28:08.543-07:00Thoughts Run Amuck"Our thoughts take the wildest flight; even at the moment when they should arrange themselves in thoughtful order." ~~Lord ByronRaelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-32624812777217847822011-09-09T21:34:00.011-06:002011-09-09T22:18:16.812-06:00My heart is set...<div style="text-align: center; ">I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart!! </div><div style="text-align: center; ">WHERE? </div><div style="text-align: center; ">Down in my heart!!</div><div><br /></div><div>Today I have been overwhelmed with joy and the absolute goodness of the Lord. He is so <i><span class="Apple-style-span"><b>SO </b></span></i>Good!!! Did I mention He was good? Literally all day I have been on a joy high. Even though there are still trials I have to journey, many things I don't understand and questions unanswered, one thing I know for sure...GOD IS GOOD! Whatever there is ahead I know that with God I'll never be alone. My full desire is to live a life of unashamed worship before the Lord. Does it mean it will be easy? NO! But, I don't want to hide who I am. A worshiper--and all that comes with it. The expression may unfold via dance, tears, song, laughter, pure unadulterated joy and maybe even silence. It's all a reflection of His heart. My desire is to not worry about what others think of my expression. Nor to copy any one else's. It's okay to live my life in full, colorful, sparkly expression of who He created me to be. He is such a good God and pleased with me. How can I not praise Him? How can I not? No matter the circumstance, good or bad. One thing is for sure, with Him, alone I will never be. Ever. He's with me and has given me an amazing family, who may not be biological but are family through and through. It's still a learning process for me. I have to fully abandon fear and fully accept who God has created me to be. Without compromise, without comparison. I'm finally in a place within myself where I am able to look at myself and say, "quit trying so hard to please everyone else! Be yourself. Live the dreams that God has for you alone." For a people pleaser that is hard. Is there a patch for that? You know, so I can dwindle down the <span style="font-weight:bold;">need</span> to please others so much that I look over myself; but more importantly my Loving God and Father. I'm learning everyday that the people in your life who truly love you, want for you to be who you are to the fullest. They don't abuse, they don't use, they don't expect you to seek after their needs. But rather, they hold your hand, run with you, laugh, cry and even speak the hard truth when needed. It gives me so much joy. Even in the suffering.<br /><br />Since I've moved to Utah, God has been capturing my heart all over again. Wooing me. Loving me. Correcting me. What an amazing God! Seriously. The past week I've had an old school song in my heart. I express myself through song and thankfully God speaks to me through song. All week I've been singing an Old School, Reuban Morgan, Hillsong oldie but goodie.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">"Lord, I give you my heart. </div><div style="text-align: center;">I give you my soul.</div><div style="text-align: center;">I live for you alone!"</div><br />Tonight as I was perusing youtube, I thought i'd look up that lovely song that always makes me smile; and I came across a recent Kristene Mueller-DiMarco version of the song. She recently sang it at Bethel where she now teaches and leads worship. It's a long one...but you won't be disappointed. I felt as if the team was in my head, reading the thoughts of mine this past week. So, to those who want to know how i'm REALLY feeling, push play, sit back and just listen. Worship if you must. Actually you won't be able to stop yourself because He truly is a beautiful, beautiful God!!</div><div><br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="345" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/M_dWWiVoimM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe><br /><br /><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>My heart is set on this one thing...it's your face God!!</div>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-72932456572103454102011-04-05T21:33:00.003-06:002011-04-06T22:59:27.453-06:00LoveI've been thinking a lot on LOVE lately. <div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">What is love?</div><div style="text-align: center;">Who is love?</div><div style="text-align: center;">How do we love?</div><div style="text-align: center;">Why do we love?</div><div><br /></div><div>And I don't mean that fuzzy feeling we get because we really like or are enamored with someone. I mean, really, LOVE. It's so much more than I can imagine. God is showing me more each day that what I know of love is nothing like He gives or shows. True love is so much more than a feeling and He tries to show it to me everyday. I don't notice it often because I'm overwhelmed by the "feelings" of my human limited understanding of love or trapped in the busy-ness of life. My prayer is that I would learn to pause and learn to love how He loves. I believe I would have so much more to give to those around me if I'm working in the fullness and understanding of His love, and not my own. </div><div><br /></div><div>Just some thoughts running around in my head!</div>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-77181050514635006202011-03-28T21:58:00.005-06:002011-03-28T22:08:37.083-06:00Oops, where did 2010 go?Hello "Thought's Run Amuck" bloggy blog. Wow, I didn't write at all in 2010. <i>Woah!! </i>My beautiful friend Jana pointed it out to me and basically told me to, "get on it!" Yet, honestly though, I needed some space. I needed some breathing room. I needed to process those thoughts in my head so I could put them down. Last year was a tough year. But it also turned out to be amazingly refreshing and healing. Yet I never felt like writing about it. In a way, I wanted to keep it to myself. I've learned a lot. I've healed a lot. And I still have many questions. Hopefully, I won't be so afraid to express them here on this page, in hopes that my processing out loud will help me on my journey. And what a journey I have before me. It's exciting. It's scary. It's happy. It's sad. One thing I know for sure...I have learned to embrace the feeler side of me again. No need to keep it all locked up and repressed. <div><br /></div><div>So, here's to thinking, to dreaming, to living, to trusting and to thoughts run amuck!! </div>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-72061172298887530012009-12-14T15:53:00.003-07:002009-12-14T16:08:56.556-07:00Not broken, just slightly sprainedI've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks. God is moving and changing things quickly. And I am going with the flow, <em>for the most part</em>. It's exciting, scary, overwhelming...to say the least. I feel such a change and I'm excited about it. But, then there's this part of me that is <strong>a mess</strong>. I have some deep hurts that I haven't wanted to look at or even mention because of the sheer fact that it would hurt so much. I thought by ignoring them, they would go away. Let me tell you now: they don't go away! They lurk there reminding you of why you aren't whole, or worthy, or pretty, or a good person. Then they taunt you with your deepest fear and tell you that in fact, that fear that you've believed is truth.<br /><br />Thankfully I had the lovely Carol Pettigrew to talk with on Saturday when I needed to cry and confess, "I'm broken". She being the lovely and devoted friend that she is, told me I wasn't broken and proceeded to build me up in only a way that Carol knows how. I love her to pieces. And I'm thankful she was there to pick me up when my mind was running away with me. God has been speaking to me a lot about discipline, beauty and trust in Him. Three very different subjects, yet they all correlate to my life right now; and are somehow meshing into one big lesson of love from the Lord. <br /><br />I'm a bit hesitant to hit this straight on, but I know the Lord is good and He only has my best in mind. So, even though it hurts to walk this path, I will forge ahead and remind myself He is with me, even in the darkest places.Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-80273825386828231462009-06-21T09:16:00.003-06:002009-06-21T09:18:22.867-06:00not much to say out loud, quite yet.i haven't been over on this blog in a while. oopsies. i do have some thoughts that i'm mulling over. but, i'm not ready to write them down yet. so for now...i'll stay on the loosey goosey side with the <a href="http://poeticallyfamiliar.blogspot.com">other</a> blog. <div><br /></div><div>:)</div>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-61524947063305994432009-03-09T23:19:00.004-06:002009-03-09T23:31:31.100-06:00A Favorite Quote<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”</span><br /></div><br /><br />I've always loved this quote. It has come to mind a lot in the past month as God is changing me, yet again. But, I think we are always in a state of change. And as I continue to change and mold into the "Raelynn" God created for His glory, I want to not be afraid of who I am or who God created me to be. It's my desire to let my light shine and manifest the glory of God. As I learn to let go, I'm finding that it's getting easier. The struggles are still there, but I'm learning to "be" and not be so afraid of myself. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">And that's a good thing!</span>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-91916134438402664402008-11-16T15:28:00.008-07:002008-11-18T16:19:01.320-07:00Breakthrough'sThose who know me well, know that I have dealt with an intense fear when it comes to talking in a <em>here's my opinion & thoughts on a subject, or a thus sayeth the Lord</em> type setting. I get extremely nervous. Normally I feel overwhelmed with nausea, have sweaty palms, a racing heart and want to bolt out of the nearest exit. Which is really peculiar for me, as I spent a good majority of my life in theater. I think the difference is in theater, I'm playing another character. I get to be someone else and not be me. Yet, when it's time to discuss the Bible, pray in large groups, or speak about what I know that God has for me to say, I get overwhelmed with a plethora of fears that it will either:<br /><br /><div align="left">a) be wrong, </div><div align="left">b) I'll be a fumbling mess & tears will ensue, </div><div align="left">c) thoughts of unworthiness set in, or </div><div align="left">d) all of the above. </div><br />I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. It's so frustrating. Picture this: sitting in a large room with other leaders, Brad asking everyone to go around the room and share their rhythm and essence. As people start going around and it gets closer to me, I feel like I'm going to pass out right then and there, so I quickly began to formulate a plan that will get me out of the room. It not only happens with speaking, but it invades my singing as well. I hear all the voices who said I wasn't good enough screaming in my head, so I barely sing into the mic. Which makes the sound guy/gal crazy. <em>Sorry friends, I appreciate all you do for me!</em> And I know that I know, there have been times when God has asked me to sing out. But I let fear overtake me and thoughts that Julie or Asher will do it better or so & so...and the list goes on. It's that way when I have something to say. Basically, it's paralyzing and has always been so frustrating. Because when I'm home alone with the Lord I'm not afraid to speak, to sing, to be who God has made me to be. Actually, I feel most at peace and wise and talented when I'm alone with the Lord. I know He won't judge and that He's pleased with me. I don't feel that grace from others though. Maybe it's something I've done to myself, because I chose to believe their words, rather than God's words.<br /><br /><strong>The breakthrough...</strong><br />A few nights ago I decided to pop in on the Arapahoe group bible study. I had been wanting to get to know the people in that group better <em>(especially Betsy: my friend crush)</em>, so I made the plan to attend and get to know new people. The group was discussing the book of Hosea, one of my favorites, and were doing a quick overview of the first 6 chapters and then would discuss chapter 7. Now normally at bible studies, I sit quietly and keep my thoughts to myself. As the group was discussing, I started to feel those anxious feelings I described above and was sitting there thinking, <em>"don't ask me anything!"</em> But, the feelings were intensifying and at the same time, I kept having the strong urge to open my mouth and share. <em>What?</em> I sat there twisting and fidgeting when finally there was a pause and I thought now or never and opened my mouth to say, <em>"May I make a suggestion...?"</em> And then off I went. The more I talked the more comfortable and at ease I felt. With each word, I felt all of that fear being cast off of me. As I was speaking I totally felt the Lord healing me in ways that I've never felt before. I actually remember thinking,<em> "who am I and where is this coming from?"</em> It was such an amazing feeling. Actually, on my road home I cried because I have felt for so long that I've had a muzzle on my mouth. And the Lord in His mercy and grace, as I was obedient to speak what He put in me, removed from me one of my constant companions: feeling unworthy to speak.<br /><br />I was elated to say the least. But then it occurred to me: <em>"hmm, all of this time, I was so busy focusing on the fear, that I wasn't realizing that God has been wanting me to speak what I know."</em> What a crazy thought? It was my epiphany for the week. I, in my fear only focused on the negative of messing up, when I should have been using that anxiousness as an alert that God is wanting me to step out and speak up. When I was sharing this with my wonderful friend Julia, she told me that she normally gets a heart racing feeling when she knows she has something to share. Which confirmed in me that yes, I was allowing the anxiousness of speaking keep me quiet.<strong> I had been keeping myself muzzled out of fear. </strong><br /><br />Now that I know, I need to remember to keep the muzzle off of me. To not be afraid to speak, or sing, what I know the Lord is saying and to be confident in who I am and what I have to offer. Sounds easy enough, but I know it's going to be a day by day, step by step process that I walk out in faith.<br /><br /><div align="left">Hand clap for "breakthrough's" everyone!! </div>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-59311779579380148522008-11-10T00:24:00.006-07:002008-11-11T23:08:45.476-07:00Learning to Dream AgainI'm desperately trying to sleep. But this evening the thoughts that are running through my head are keeping me awake in a pensive state. I have so many questions and wonderings that can't seem to find a place to land. Do I stay in Boulder? I do love this town and all that it encompasses. Move to Utah? I'm not afraid to admit that it has a big part of my heart. Maybe the Portland area? It's definitely on the radar now thanks to the making of new, and what I know will be lasting, friends. Maybe, maybe, maybe? And that's just the tip of the iceberg; I'm questioning everything from my job to my purpose & ministry. And I've been frustrated because I can't figure out my next step. I'm having a hard time nailing down exactly what I want. Why is this so difficult? So, tonight, I've been trying to figure out why I can't make a decision for my life. And then it occurred to me that I'm having difficulty making this decision because I'm not 100% sure what it is I truly want for my life anymore. I've become numb and am now living in survival mode. I've tucked any dreams I may have had into a safe little box that is now gathering dust and cobwebs. Not only have I tucked my most treasured dreams away, but i've quit dreaming completely. How can I make a decision when I can't dream about my future? <div><br /><div>Hmmm....? When did I quit dreaming? And how do I dare to dream again?</div><div><br /></div><div>I believe it's because I've allowed myself to be put in a box of limitations. I've accepted what others have said about who I am to take away dreams that were precious to me. It's not there fault. It's mine for believing it and letting go of what I know that is on the inside of me. The power that negative words have is astounding. And they have a way of seeping into your soul so deep that you just believe it to be true. For some reason, we never want to believe the good about ourself. I've been asking the Lord to show me how He sees me. After all, If I want a correct view of myself, then I need to go to my Creator. He knows me better than anyone. He knows every step I'll take; so I should be asking Him for His opinion of me. I've been trusting more in Him everyday as I've been laying down things, wants, people, ideas that I've been gripping onto for so long; because I felt that they would complete me or make me feel more alive. </div><div><br /></div><div>All of that to say...</div><div>I'm letting go of all that keeps me bound and locked--especially in myself. And I've decided that I need to learn to dream again. Real dreams. Dreams that only God can fulfill. And as I allow more of Him to seep into me and replace the negative influences that I've let keep me in fear, I will be able to become more like Him. I will be able to truly hear Him, without the clanging sound of negative voices, when He whispers all that He has for me in my ear. And without fear that people won't "see" that I'm worthy or fit to do what God has for me, I will step out and into who I was created to be. I am no longer seeking the approval of man. I've done that too long; and it's cost me much. I've lost myself in that mentality. Instead I'm opening myself up completely to the One who knows me best. The One who can pour all of His desires for me into the depths of my soul, until His desires for me are my desires. The desires that have been in me all along, but I was too afraid to believe them. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Here's to Learning to Dream again!!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div></div>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-69604946280768971822008-10-12T23:20:00.003-06:002008-10-12T23:58:23.534-06:00I am my Beloved'sThe past few weeks the overwhelming realization I have been coming to is that I <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">belong</span></span> to the Lord. I know this shouldn't be such a big surprise. But, though I have a happy demeanor and have tried my best to exude love to those around me, I've spent such a big part of my life trying to find a place to "fit" or "belong". I've been looking for someone to love me truly, wholeheartedly and unashamedly. And everyday God is showing me that I belong to Him; that He sent His Son to be my salvation, my best friend, my beloved. <div><br /></div><div>I'm realizing that I'm completely head over heels in love with my Beloved. And I know now it's okay to want to belong to Him. Because <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">His love is better than wine</span>, better than anything else out there. I can search the world over and I will never find anything that compares to His goodness and love. For so long, because of the hurt i've experienced, I have chosen to not give myself fully to my Beloved. It's because of the fear I had deep within: that He would not love me in return as deeply as I love Him. But everyday He is whispering His words of love to me. Not only do I hear it, I see it everywhere. And I'm learning to walk in assurance; even if I'm not "feeling" all the mushy gushy feelings that I think love should embody. As I love Him and desire Him, He sets<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> His desire for me</span>. It's not a one way street. Nor is it just me chasing Him. Because I know that I know that He is earnestly pursuing me. He wants me as much as I want Him. <div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">"I am my beloved's and His desire is for me"</span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">Song of Solomon 7:10</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">I belong to Him.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div></div>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-18944209531438818752008-09-22T23:03:00.008-06:002008-09-28T22:07:48.054-06:00Growth, Change, Risk, the Unknown<center><span style="font-style:italic;">"Growth means change,<br />and change involves risk,<br />stepping from the known to the unknown."</span><br />~author unknown</center><br /><br />I love this quote. I love that it describes where I am right now in my life. As I've stated before, I'm definitely in a season of change. And for once, I'm not fighting it. But I'm noticing that it's taking much faith from me. A faith I've never exercised before. Some days are overwhelmingly scary, while others are full of a sweet calm. As I grow I'm seeing so many areas that are changing in me naturally and easy; and other areas that will take a little, okay maybe a lot, of effort from me. Those who know me well, know that change freaks me out. I get all high strung and anxious. I believe that comes from not having control in my life growing up as a child, so I try to control everything I can. Therefore, change for me is a risk. A big one. I've been feeling better about these risks lately. I've still been feeling overwhelmed, but more confident in my risk taking adventures. I know they are forming and fashioning me into what I need to fulfill God's perfect plan for my life. I won't lie, the "unknown" kinda makes me want to run the other way. But, I've decided to retire my running shoes. It's no use running. I always run right back into where I should have been. So instead of taking the scenic route, I should just head right into His plan. <br /><br />Happy Trails to me!Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-54156175663434771732008-09-08T21:44:00.004-06:002008-09-20T08:40:37.173-06:00warrior princesstonight, as i was perusing through the world of <a href="http://www.facebook.com">facebook</a>, my sweet friend natalie popped up with a little "hello" on facebook chat. and she was commenting on my status that said something about me having the need to be completely honest with people. i've been trying to shed my people pleasing ways. and then we had this jewel of a conversation that went something like this.....<br /><br />******************************<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:35pmNatalie</span><br />i'm all for shootin straight with people. i didn't do that for WAY too many years<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:36pmRaelynn</span><br />yeah...i'm in a "tell it like it is" mood these days<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:36pmNatalie</span><br />good.<br />9<span style="font-weight:bold;">:36pmNatalie</span><br />the world needs to hear it from you straight<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:37pmRaelynn</span><br />you think the world needs to hear from me....? i'm not sure they're ready for what the rae has to offer.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:37pmNatalie</span><br />maybe if you unleash it in baby steps we'll be able to handle it<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:38pmRaelynn</span><br />oh....just don't attack?<br />smart thinking<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:38pmNatalie</span><br />hee hee<br />i've always thought that about you...the heart of a warrior princess<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:38pmRaelynn</span><br />really?<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:38pmNatalie</span><br />totally<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:38pmRaelynn</span><br />hmmm....thanks!!<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9:39pmNatalie</span><br />i'm not sure what your impressions of yourself have been or what people have pigeon holed you as, but you definitely come across as a woman with a heart full of holy fierceness and i mean that in the BEST of ways<br />******************************<br /><br />i loved that conversation. actually, it was a well needed conversation. i've been in a deep and sometimes painful growing process in the last few months. i've been purposely trying to shed layers of what i've believed about myself that hasn't been truth or lined up with the word of God; as well as, eliminate the words that bounce around in my head that people have used to stunt my growth. <br /><br />i loved that she called me a "warrior princess"!! when God speaks to me, sometimes, He calls me princess and the fact that she added "warrior" was a confirmation of what God's been doing in me. He's been changing me--and for once, i'm finally allowing Him. and i've been viewing myself in different ways. and i'm loving it.Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-6834270414598143092008-09-07T12:37:00.009-06:002008-09-07T13:47:57.251-06:00the desire for moreI'm definitely at a place in my life where I no longer want to settle for the mundane, or even the comfortable in regards to my life and purpose!! God has me growing in ways I never have before. I believe, now, I am more open to Him changing me into what He desires. However, I feel like I'm still not "doing" enough to maintain, or acquire, all He has for me. Maybe that's been my problem all along? I keep thinking I need to be doing, when all God wants is for me to desire Him and sit still so that He can pour Himself within me. It just doesn't seem like it should be that easy though. <br /><br />I know as I'm growing, I just can't help but want even MORE of Him. The desire is there and seems insatiable at times; I just don't know how to fill it. I can't seem to get enough of the Lord right now. And I like that feeling, but i'll admit, it also scares me. Am I up to the challenge? Can I be who I know is on the inside? God created me with an original intent for my life; but as life, with it's many ups and plethora of downs, bucked and kicked--by my own doing at times--I veered off the path. As I've pulled myself up and am heading in the right direction, I still have this nagging fear of, "what if my desire for more is not enough?" Or the dreaded thought of, "What if I screw it all up again?"<br /><br />The desire for more of what God has for me is great within me, but I'm lost in knowing my next step. I just need to have the faith that as I wait and earnestly desire more of Him, He will in fact come to me and meet me where I am at right now. He doesn't wait for me to look, or be, a certain way. Regardless and in spite of my past, present or future, God is more than willing to come to me NOW. I think that's why I've been enjoying--and listening on repeat to, <span style="font-weight:bold;">"You'll Come"</span> by Hillsong. I love all of the lyrics, but I especially love the lines that says, <span style="font-style:italic;">"as surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, as certain as the dawn appears. You'll come, let Your glory fall as You respond to us.."!!!</span> I love that and all that it means. He will come and He will respond to our desire for Him. Without a doubt we can count on the fact that HE WILL COME TO US. And my desire for more is beautiful in His eyes. I need not worry about the past or wonder if i'm doing enough in the present, I just need to give God the room to "come" in my life and He has everything planned out according to His good for my life. <br /> <br /><br /><center><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/djEPQ1acYLg&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></center>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-15467464189871694032008-08-25T22:26:00.004-06:002008-08-25T22:32:31.645-06:00i'll waitthere's so much i want to say here. but i feel it's still best to keep it inside. if i say it out loud, then it becomes my truth and i am accountable to what must be done. so i need more time before i put it all out here. i can't be emotional or impulsive. i need to do everything in God's time and not my own. <br /><br />so, i'll wait. for now.Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-20090137517428218602008-07-28T20:09:00.005-06:002008-07-28T22:39:40.760-06:00"Save Me"I have had this song swimming around my head for the past few days; and i can't seem to let it go. Even in my sleep I hear it echoing through my dreams. It's an oldie, but a goodie...and for now the theme song to my life. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Save me, Oh, God<br />For the waters have come up to my neck<br />And I am sinking to the bottom where I cannot stand<br />I am calling to You, can You hear my cry?<br /><br />Oh my God, You've turned your eyes <br />And now my heart has come alive<br /><br />Only You have come to find me<br />Only You have come to pull me out<br />Only You have come to save me<br />Only You have come to <br />Wrap your arms around me<br /><br />Save me, Oh, God<br />I have wandered and I cannot find your hand<br />I am looking for your Father, but my eyes fail<br />I am calling to You, can You hear my cry?<br /><br />No one has ever loved me <br />Like the way You love <br />Wrap Your arms around me</span><br /><br /><br />It's because I've been needing a little "saving" from myself as of late. I have so many questions, so many thoughts that keep me up at night. But I'm learning that no matter what I do, no matter the questions that plague my mind, I can never get far from Him. There is absolutely no one else like Him in my life. He will hear my cry and turn His ear to me. And as He pulls me up from my place of confusion, He does indeed <span style="font-weight:bold;">wrap His arms around me.</span><br /><br />And for now, thats enough. I don't need questions answered, or my purpose figured out, I just need to rest at the feet of my Father and <span style="font-style:italic;">my heart will come alive!</span>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-21309093724989316822008-06-16T14:10:00.003-06:002008-06-16T14:19:15.656-06:00?there are a plethora of thoughts running through my head today. i wanted to try to write about them. but, can't seem to just yet. <br /><br />one thing i can say for sure is that it's a sad day. <br />it started out well--and early--but, when i arrived at work today i learned of some sad news that a Y employee passed away this weekend. and then this morning, angie's (one of my co-workers & friend) grandma passed away. and now my heart is aching for my friends who are hurting at the loss of a friend and a grandparent. all i can do for them at this point is pray. but, when they are hurting like they are, it never seems like enough.Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-79775513033903120352008-05-10T01:24:00.001-06:002008-05-10T01:24:49.269-06:00i've decided to "sing" really loud!!Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-12217015072194654112008-05-06T22:23:00.005-06:002008-05-06T22:39:36.546-06:00Honesty?Sometimes, laying it all out there, isn't the easiest thing to do. Even with the people you love the best. Because when you do, all this weirdness happens--not always, but normally. But, then again, they say honesty is the best policy. Is it really though? <br /><br />Lately, for me, honesty has created friction, hurt, frustration, anger.........<br /><br />None of these are things that make me want to "lay it all out there" and be honest. And I'm pretty sure that's why for years, i've kept things that i've really thought inside. I hate creating any type of friction or hurt. I guess i'd rather people please? Okay, not anymore. But this whole honesty game. Not so much, if you know what i mean?Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-29522139017344890722008-04-28T23:03:00.002-06:002008-04-28T23:05:59.899-06:00surprise, surprisei'm thinking that i need to STOP thinking so much!Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-85684578326521951322008-04-22T21:29:00.000-06:002008-04-22T23:40:13.875-06:00Sulky Raebecause i've been frustrated, for lack of a better word, i have been quite pouty lately. i've chosen to ignore God and keep myself from Him. i guess you could say i've been punishing Him. <span style="font-style:italic;">and we all know, i'm only punishing myself and making it harder on me. </span> anyway, so as i was saying, i've been pouty. i've just been frustrated and i don't want to hear about this goodness, when i'm having a difficult time seeing it. so a few days ago, i was sitting on my bed, while staring at my bible--as it was there taunting me. and i said out loud, literally, "F that. i'm not reading!" and i continued to go about my usualness. and as i paced about my room, ignoring, i finally gave in. i sat on my bed, grabbed my bible and said, "fine, i'm just going to open and read the first verse that pops out. but that's it. nothing else. do you hear me? one verse!!" and this is what i read....<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"> "For the Lord your God is living among you.<br /> He is a mighty savior.<br /> He will take delight in you with gladness.<br /> With his love, he will calm all your fears.<br /> He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”</span><br />Zephaniah 3:17<br /><br />Hello!!!<br /><br />and after reading that, i was reminded that even though i don't understand, God <span style="font-style:italic;">IS</span> always present. and sometimes i just may not get to "know" or "understand" everything. but what matters is that i keep walking forward. and even in all the sh*t that doesn't make sense, He is still there to delight in me--even when i doubt Him, to calm me as my anxiety grows and to rejoice over me with a song. <br /><br />i'm trying to get there!! until then, i'm just going to hold on to this verse. <br />and choose to trust in His goodness.Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-49194861623824262452008-04-21T23:32:00.000-06:002008-04-21T23:46:20.772-06:00hmm...not sure i like the journey right now. and hopefully i will see it's benefits sooner, rather than later. <span style="font-style:italic;">that would definitely be a plus in my book. <br /></span><br />i'm being challenged and pushed. <br />i'm beyond uncomfortable. <br />i'm questioning things i've never questioned before. <br />i'm not myself anymore.<br /><br />BUT, i have hope that when i come out on the other side of this, i will have broken more chains that keep me bound. <br />and will be steps closer to being my true self in the fullest.Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-74041984562771985752008-04-15T22:09:00.001-06:002008-04-15T22:16:04.515-06:00yippy skippyit's all going to be okay. i know it is. <br />i do believe i over-analyze and allow myself to get worked up and worried so easily. but,<span style="font-weight:bold;"> i have faith</span> that God will take care of me and my future. am i frustrated that i'm not a 100%--heck or even 50%--sure on what it is right at this moment? absolutely. but i can't change anything; nor can i speed up God and His plan for my life.<br /><br />there's nothing left to do but ride this out and see where i land!!<br /><br />yippy skippy!!Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-82490099188534725482008-04-15T19:19:00.000-06:002008-11-06T20:58:06.954-07:00happy place?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLaN5E7mC8VA_eI87zk8aECzQSGoGBFPtNEfkJzYimALcMRUN4LrHlm3brXlhioQ_fIP9o3sor7HEZnENYrbYU8tKjy88Dbt5seuonVl3ztWMlCcG-im7e4oVJ3JY5dkWk6GoovRY_S_VI/s1600-h/6320323355.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLaN5E7mC8VA_eI87zk8aECzQSGoGBFPtNEfkJzYimALcMRUN4LrHlm3brXlhioQ_fIP9o3sor7HEZnENYrbYU8tKjy88Dbt5seuonVl3ztWMlCcG-im7e4oVJ3JY5dkWk6GoovRY_S_VI/s400/6320323355.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5189646895676738546" /></a><br /><br /><br />Yep, something like that!!Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-16150852271887953892008-04-13T21:14:00.000-06:002008-11-06T20:58:07.058-07:00ugh!the journey to finding yourself is not an easy one. at least not for me. maybe for others, they just kinda fall into "who they are"? who knows? but what i do know...not me. i'm trying so hard to shed all the layers that i have put on me, and the layers that others have put upon me--that i allowed. and it's tough, really really tough. i'm not exactly sure WHO I AM?? and i feel like i've been asking this question for the past, oh 15 or so years!!! <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfXVEU5cefqE-ReJRTgzuInefM_31osvyFTGCD5W5600OhPPTRfDwnW2ZuCFpvdXcxhudJwGyJK9Q5uKfe0D4ps_0jSuChZM8ttzwEF7LuS0duMkKWqdLMxgoPvAwpjM8wYine6chNN9oo/s1600-h/AB14155.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfXVEU5cefqE-ReJRTgzuInefM_31osvyFTGCD5W5600OhPPTRfDwnW2ZuCFpvdXcxhudJwGyJK9Q5uKfe0D4ps_0jSuChZM8ttzwEF7LuS0duMkKWqdLMxgoPvAwpjM8wYine6chNN9oo/s200/AB14155.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5189305153718930370" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">ugh, i don't even know!!</span>Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-39604407245524526212008-04-11T00:48:00.000-06:002008-04-11T01:12:54.660-06:00s.a.t.i.s.f.a.c.t.i.o.n.i have this fear. and i realize it's the fear that has been in the pit of my stomach for the majority of my life. and that fear is, <span style="font-style:italic;">"what if i'm never satisfied."</span> i mean seriously, will i spend the rest of my life looking for myself? or for what my purpose is?<br /><br />the thought of that makes me weary. <br /><br />i remember as a child, i really believed i was going to be or do something "special". i truly believed that God had this cool thing for me to do that no one else could do. and as life passes by i've lost the belief in that dream; and sadly i've lost that little girl. i can barely see her. i search for her. but i can't seem to dig her out. and i think that's why i feel so unsatisfied. because i lost myself. and until i can find me, nothing will ever feel at home. because i'm not at home within myself.Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1547428239871652811.post-88175930252303794882008-03-14T15:33:00.000-06:002008-04-11T01:20:22.726-06:00Nomad TendenciesI love my life. I love my friends. I love Jesus. <br />I love Boulder and the 'Ville! Everything<br /><br />Even with all that said, I still deep within me, always have the need to "roam"!! To leave my current station in life and trade it in for a new one. I'm not sure why I have this urge to roam. Maybe it's the nomad tendencies within me. For most of my life, I have roamed and "made myself a home". That's how I get by. I make myself a family, a home, a place to stay awhile. But, the nomadic life is wearisome. And leaves you always searching for more, for different, for better. I don't want to lead a nomadic life anymore. But, how do I stop this pattern?Raelynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02248874945857161171noreply@blogger.com0