Learning to Dream Again

I'm desperately trying to sleep. But this evening the thoughts that are running through my head are keeping me awake in a pensive state. I have so many questions and wonderings that can't seem to find a place to land. Do I stay in Boulder? I do love this town and all that it encompasses. Move to Utah? I'm not afraid to admit that it has a big part of my heart. Maybe the Portland area? It's definitely on the radar now thanks to the making of new, and what I know will be lasting, friends. Maybe, maybe, maybe? And that's just the tip of the iceberg; I'm questioning everything from my job to my purpose & ministry. And I've been frustrated because I can't figure out my next step. I'm having a hard time nailing down exactly what I want. Why is this so difficult? So, tonight, I've been trying to figure out why I can't make a decision for my life. And then it occurred to me that I'm having difficulty making this decision because I'm not 100% sure what it is I truly want for my life anymore. I've become numb and am now living in survival mode. I've tucked any dreams I may have had into a safe little box that is now gathering dust and cobwebs. Not only have I tucked my most treasured dreams away, but i've quit dreaming completely. How can I make a decision when I can't dream about my future? 

Hmmm....? When did I quit dreaming? And how do I dare to dream again?

I believe it's because I've allowed myself to be put in a box of limitations. I've accepted what others have said about who I am to take away dreams that were precious to me. It's not there fault. It's mine for believing it and letting go of what I know that is on the inside of me. The power that negative words have is astounding. And they have a way of seeping into your soul so deep that you just believe it to be true. For some reason, we never want to believe the good about ourself. I've been asking the Lord to show me how He sees me. After all, If I want a correct view of myself, then I need to go to my Creator. He knows me better than anyone. He knows every step I'll take; so I should be asking Him for His opinion of me. I've been trusting more in Him everyday as I've been laying down things, wants, people, ideas that I've been gripping onto for so long; because I felt that they would complete me or make me feel more alive. 

All of that to say...

I'm letting go of all that keeps me bound and locked--especially in myself. And I've decided that I need to learn to dream again. Real dreams. Dreams that only God can fulfill. And as I allow more of Him to seep into me and replace the negative influences that I've let keep me in fear, I will be able to become more like Him. I will be able to truly hear Him, without the clanging sound of negative voices, when He whispers all that He has for me in my ear. And without fear that people won't "see" that I'm worthy or fit to do what God has for me, I will step out and into who I was created to be. I am no longer seeking the approval of man. I've done that too long; and it's cost me much. I've lost myself in that mentality. Instead I'm opening myself up completely to the One who knows me best. The One who can pour all of His desires for me into the depths of my soul, until His desires for me are my desires. The desires that have been in me all along, but I was too afraid to believe them. 

Here's to Learning to Dream again!!