Breakthrough's
Those who know me well, know that I have dealt with an intense fear when it comes to talking in a here's my opinion & thoughts on a subject, or a thus sayeth the Lord type setting. I get extremely nervous. Normally I feel overwhelmed with nausea, have sweaty palms, a racing heart and want to bolt out of the nearest exit. Which is really peculiar for me, as I spent a good majority of my life in theater. I think the difference is in theater, I'm playing another character. I get to be someone else and not be me. Yet, when it's time to discuss the Bible, pray in large groups, or speak about what I know that God has for me to say, I get overwhelmed with a plethora of fears that it will either:
I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. It's so frustrating. Picture this: sitting in a large room with other leaders, Brad asking everyone to go around the room and share their rhythm and essence. As people start going around and it gets closer to me, I feel like I'm going to pass out right then and there, so I quickly began to formulate a plan that will get me out of the room. It not only happens with speaking, but it invades my singing as well. I hear all the voices who said I wasn't good enough screaming in my head, so I barely sing into the mic. Which makes the sound guy/gal crazy. Sorry friends, I appreciate all you do for me! And I know that I know, there have been times when God has asked me to sing out. But I let fear overtake me and thoughts that Julie or Asher will do it better or so & so...and the list goes on. It's that way when I have something to say. Basically, it's paralyzing and has always been so frustrating. Because when I'm home alone with the Lord I'm not afraid to speak, to sing, to be who God has made me to be. Actually, I feel most at peace and wise and talented when I'm alone with the Lord. I know He won't judge and that He's pleased with me. I don't feel that grace from others though. Maybe it's something I've done to myself, because I chose to believe their words, rather than God's words.
The breakthrough...
A few nights ago I decided to pop in on the Arapahoe group bible study. I had been wanting to get to know the people in that group better (especially Betsy: my friend crush), so I made the plan to attend and get to know new people. The group was discussing the book of Hosea, one of my favorites, and were doing a quick overview of the first 6 chapters and then would discuss chapter 7. Now normally at bible studies, I sit quietly and keep my thoughts to myself. As the group was discussing, I started to feel those anxious feelings I described above and was sitting there thinking, "don't ask me anything!" But, the feelings were intensifying and at the same time, I kept having the strong urge to open my mouth and share. What? I sat there twisting and fidgeting when finally there was a pause and I thought now or never and opened my mouth to say, "May I make a suggestion...?" And then off I went. The more I talked the more comfortable and at ease I felt. With each word, I felt all of that fear being cast off of me. As I was speaking I totally felt the Lord healing me in ways that I've never felt before. I actually remember thinking, "who am I and where is this coming from?" It was such an amazing feeling. Actually, on my road home I cried because I have felt for so long that I've had a muzzle on my mouth. And the Lord in His mercy and grace, as I was obedient to speak what He put in me, removed from me one of my constant companions: feeling unworthy to speak.
I was elated to say the least. But then it occurred to me: "hmm, all of this time, I was so busy focusing on the fear, that I wasn't realizing that God has been wanting me to speak what I know." What a crazy thought? It was my epiphany for the week. I, in my fear only focused on the negative of messing up, when I should have been using that anxiousness as an alert that God is wanting me to step out and speak up. When I was sharing this with my wonderful friend Julia, she told me that she normally gets a heart racing feeling when she knows she has something to share. Which confirmed in me that yes, I was allowing the anxiousness of speaking keep me quiet. I had been keeping myself muzzled out of fear.
Now that I know, I need to remember to keep the muzzle off of me. To not be afraid to speak, or sing, what I know the Lord is saying and to be confident in who I am and what I have to offer. Sounds easy enough, but I know it's going to be a day by day, step by step process that I walk out in faith.
a) be wrong,
b) I'll be a fumbling mess & tears will ensue,
c) thoughts of unworthiness set in, or
d) all of the above.
I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. It's so frustrating. Picture this: sitting in a large room with other leaders, Brad asking everyone to go around the room and share their rhythm and essence. As people start going around and it gets closer to me, I feel like I'm going to pass out right then and there, so I quickly began to formulate a plan that will get me out of the room. It not only happens with speaking, but it invades my singing as well. I hear all the voices who said I wasn't good enough screaming in my head, so I barely sing into the mic. Which makes the sound guy/gal crazy. Sorry friends, I appreciate all you do for me! And I know that I know, there have been times when God has asked me to sing out. But I let fear overtake me and thoughts that Julie or Asher will do it better or so & so...and the list goes on. It's that way when I have something to say. Basically, it's paralyzing and has always been so frustrating. Because when I'm home alone with the Lord I'm not afraid to speak, to sing, to be who God has made me to be. Actually, I feel most at peace and wise and talented when I'm alone with the Lord. I know He won't judge and that He's pleased with me. I don't feel that grace from others though. Maybe it's something I've done to myself, because I chose to believe their words, rather than God's words.
The breakthrough...
A few nights ago I decided to pop in on the Arapahoe group bible study. I had been wanting to get to know the people in that group better (especially Betsy: my friend crush), so I made the plan to attend and get to know new people. The group was discussing the book of Hosea, one of my favorites, and were doing a quick overview of the first 6 chapters and then would discuss chapter 7. Now normally at bible studies, I sit quietly and keep my thoughts to myself. As the group was discussing, I started to feel those anxious feelings I described above and was sitting there thinking, "don't ask me anything!" But, the feelings were intensifying and at the same time, I kept having the strong urge to open my mouth and share. What? I sat there twisting and fidgeting when finally there was a pause and I thought now or never and opened my mouth to say, "May I make a suggestion...?" And then off I went. The more I talked the more comfortable and at ease I felt. With each word, I felt all of that fear being cast off of me. As I was speaking I totally felt the Lord healing me in ways that I've never felt before. I actually remember thinking, "who am I and where is this coming from?" It was such an amazing feeling. Actually, on my road home I cried because I have felt for so long that I've had a muzzle on my mouth. And the Lord in His mercy and grace, as I was obedient to speak what He put in me, removed from me one of my constant companions: feeling unworthy to speak.
I was elated to say the least. But then it occurred to me: "hmm, all of this time, I was so busy focusing on the fear, that I wasn't realizing that God has been wanting me to speak what I know." What a crazy thought? It was my epiphany for the week. I, in my fear only focused on the negative of messing up, when I should have been using that anxiousness as an alert that God is wanting me to step out and speak up. When I was sharing this with my wonderful friend Julia, she told me that she normally gets a heart racing feeling when she knows she has something to share. Which confirmed in me that yes, I was allowing the anxiousness of speaking keep me quiet. I had been keeping myself muzzled out of fear.
Now that I know, I need to remember to keep the muzzle off of me. To not be afraid to speak, or sing, what I know the Lord is saying and to be confident in who I am and what I have to offer. Sounds easy enough, but I know it's going to be a day by day, step by step process that I walk out in faith.
Hand clap for "breakthrough's" everyone!!
posted by Raelynn | 3:28 PM
5 Comments:
"clap, clap, clap, clap!!" Be encouraged! It gets better!! The more you step out the more the mussle leaves. I speak from experience. When I was little I used to be afraid to go up to a counter in a fast food joint and ask for more catsup--it was that bad. In fact I blame my good behavior growing up on fear. I was too afraid to get in trouble to do anything wrong. I've struggled with fear all my life until I started to step out and in a lot of areas I don't even think about it anymore! It will come with singing too. It seems so easy to say, "Just step out." That used to make me so mad when people would tell me that...But trust me. I know how hard it is to let go and just sing.
joining in with becca's applause! go, rae rae!!!!
amazing my friend! You are seeing with Heavens eyes!!! Keep your eyes on Jesus, and you will no longer focus on others, or yourself.... Confidence comes from knowing who God is, and trusting that HE himself is confident, and honestly He isn't worried one bit! :)
I'm so proud of you for asking and wanting the more. Jesus loves you so very much, and gets excited when you ask Him who He is. You are known and vital to His kingdom. Be nothing less than His beloved princess.
Thanks friends!!
I appreciate all of your support and kind words. It's tough "growing up", but will all be worth it in the end.
Love to you all!!!
Hey Raelynn, It's funny, as I sat here reading this, a couple of months ago, I too, would get completely petrified and would keep me from doing the very things I loved. The longing inside was to lead worship yet I always hid myself in the background. I was afraid of drawing any attention to myself when all I wanted to was to open a time for the Lord to come in and meet people in worship.. yet, utter fear would hold me. As I have stepped out (still completely nervous) but set on doing it anyway, the nerves have passed and now it is total joy to do what I have longed to do for so long. That goes with speaking out as well. The more i find my acceptance in Him, the more the fear and worry goes away.. This is long. What can I say? I am passionate about breaking out of these shells that we have allowed to be around us! ooooo... that's like a breakthrough! fancy that.. :)
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