My heart is set...

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart!!

WHERE?

Down in my heart!!

Today I have been overwhelmed with joy and the absolute goodness of the Lord. He is so SO Good!!! Did I mention He was good? Literally all day I have been on a joy high. Even though there are still trials I have to journey, many things I don't understand and questions unanswered, one thing I know for sure...GOD IS GOOD! Whatever there is ahead I know that with God I'll never be alone. My full desire is to live a life of unashamed worship before the Lord. Does it mean it will be easy? NO! But, I don't want to hide who I am. A worshiper--and all that comes with it. The expression may unfold via dance, tears, song, laughter, pure unadulterated joy and maybe even silence. It's all a reflection of His heart. My desire is to not worry about what others think of my expression. Nor to copy any one else's. It's okay to live my life in full, colorful, sparkly expression of who He created me to be. He is such a good God and pleased with me. How can I not praise Him? How can I not? No matter the circumstance, good or bad. One thing is for sure, with Him, alone I will never be. Ever. He's with me and has given me an amazing family, who may not be biological but are family through and through. It's still a learning process for me. I have to fully abandon fear and fully accept who God has created me to be. Without compromise, without comparison. I'm finally in a place within myself where I am able to look at myself and say, "quit trying so hard to please everyone else! Be yourself. Live the dreams that God has for you alone." For a people pleaser that is hard. Is there a patch for that? You know, so I can dwindle down the need to please others so much that I look over myself; but more importantly my Loving God and Father. I'm learning everyday that the people in your life who truly love you, want for you to be who you are to the fullest. They don't abuse, they don't use, they don't expect you to seek after their needs. But rather, they hold your hand, run with you, laugh, cry and even speak the hard truth when needed. It gives me so much joy. Even in the suffering.

Since I've moved to Utah, God has been capturing my heart all over again. Wooing me. Loving me. Correcting me. What an amazing God! Seriously. The past week I've had an old school song in my heart. I express myself through song and thankfully God speaks to me through song. All week I've been singing an Old School, Reuban Morgan, Hillsong oldie but goodie.

"Lord, I give you my heart.

I give you my soul.

I live for you alone!"

Tonight as I was perusing youtube, I thought i'd look up that lovely song that always makes me smile; and I came across a recent Kristene Mueller-DiMarco version of the song. She recently sang it at Bethel where she now teaches and leads worship. It's a long one...but you won't be disappointed. I felt as if the team was in my head, reading the thoughts of mine this past week. So, to those who want to know how i'm REALLY feeling, push play, sit back and just listen. Worship if you must. Actually you won't be able to stop yourself because He truly is a beautiful, beautiful God!!

My heart is set on this one thing...it's your face God!!

Love

I've been thinking a lot on LOVE lately.

What is love?

Who is love?

How do we love?

Why do we love?

And I don't mean that fuzzy feeling we get because we really like or are enamored with someone. I mean, really, LOVE. It's so much more than I can imagine. God is showing me more each day that what I know of love is nothing like He gives or shows. True love is so much more than a feeling and He tries to show it to me everyday. I don't notice it often because I'm overwhelmed by the "feelings" of my human limited understanding of love or trapped in the busy-ness of life. My prayer is that I would learn to pause and learn to love how He loves. I believe I would have so much more to give to those around me if I'm working in the fullness and understanding of His love, and not my own.

Just some thoughts running around in my head!

Oops, where did 2010 go?

Hello "Thought's Run Amuck" bloggy blog. Wow, I didn't write at all in 2010. Woah!! My beautiful friend Jana pointed it out to me and basically told me to, "get on it!" Yet, honestly though, I needed some space. I needed some breathing room. I needed to process those thoughts in my head so I could put them down. Last year was a tough year. But it also turned out to be amazingly refreshing and healing. Yet I never felt like writing about it. In a way, I wanted to keep it to myself. I've learned a lot. I've healed a lot. And I still have many questions. Hopefully, I won't be so afraid to express them here on this page, in hopes that my processing out loud will help me on my journey. And what a journey I have before me. It's exciting. It's scary. It's happy. It's sad. One thing I know for sure...I have learned to embrace the feeler side of me again. No need to keep it all locked up and repressed.

So, here's to thinking, to dreaming, to living, to trusting and to thoughts run amuck!!

Not broken, just slightly sprained

I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks. God is moving and changing things quickly. And I am going with the flow, for the most part. It's exciting, scary, overwhelming...to say the least. I feel such a change and I'm excited about it. But, then there's this part of me that is a mess. I have some deep hurts that I haven't wanted to look at or even mention because of the sheer fact that it would hurt so much. I thought by ignoring them, they would go away. Let me tell you now: they don't go away! They lurk there reminding you of why you aren't whole, or worthy, or pretty, or a good person. Then they taunt you with your deepest fear and tell you that in fact, that fear that you've believed is truth.

Thankfully I had the lovely Carol Pettigrew to talk with on Saturday when I needed to cry and confess, "I'm broken". She being the lovely and devoted friend that she is, told me I wasn't broken and proceeded to build me up in only a way that Carol knows how. I love her to pieces. And I'm thankful she was there to pick me up when my mind was running away with me. God has been speaking to me a lot about discipline, beauty and trust in Him. Three very different subjects, yet they all correlate to my life right now; and are somehow meshing into one big lesson of love from the Lord.

I'm a bit hesitant to hit this straight on, but I know the Lord is good and He only has my best in mind. So, even though it hurts to walk this path, I will forge ahead and remind myself He is with me, even in the darkest places.

not much to say out loud, quite yet.

i haven't been over on this blog in a while. oopsies. i do have some thoughts that i'm mulling over. but, i'm not ready to write them down yet. so for now...i'll stay on the loosey goosey side with the other blog. 

:)

A Favorite Quote

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I've always loved this quote. It has come to mind a lot in the past month as God is changing me, yet again. But, I think we are always in a state of change. And as I continue to change and mold into the "Raelynn" God created for His glory, I want to not be afraid of who I am or who God created me to be. It's my desire to let my light shine and manifest the glory of God. As I learn to let go, I'm finding that it's getting easier. The struggles are still there, but I'm learning to "be" and not be so afraid of myself.  And that's a good thing!

Breakthrough's

Those who know me well, know that I have dealt with an intense fear when it comes to talking in a here's my opinion & thoughts on a subject, or a thus sayeth the Lord type setting. I get extremely nervous. Normally I feel overwhelmed with nausea, have sweaty palms, a racing heart and want to bolt out of the nearest exit. Which is really peculiar for me, as I spent a good majority of my life in theater. I think the difference is in theater, I'm playing another character. I get to be someone else and not be me. Yet, when it's time to discuss the Bible, pray in large groups, or speak about what I know that God has for me to say, I get overwhelmed with a plethora of fears that it will either:

a) be wrong,

b) I'll be a fumbling mess & tears will ensue,

c) thoughts of unworthiness set in, or

d) all of the above.

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. It's so frustrating. Picture this: sitting in a large room with other leaders, Brad asking everyone to go around the room and share their rhythm and essence. As people start going around and it gets closer to me, I feel like I'm going to pass out right then and there, so I quickly began to formulate a plan that will get me out of the room. It not only happens with speaking, but it invades my singing as well. I hear all the voices who said I wasn't good enough screaming in my head, so I barely sing into the mic. Which makes the sound guy/gal crazy. Sorry friends, I appreciate all you do for me! And I know that I know, there have been times when God has asked me to sing out. But I let fear overtake me and thoughts that Julie or Asher will do it better or so & so...and the list goes on. It's that way when I have something to say. Basically, it's paralyzing and has always been so frustrating. Because when I'm home alone with the Lord I'm not afraid to speak, to sing, to be who God has made me to be. Actually, I feel most at peace and wise and talented when I'm alone with the Lord. I know He won't judge and that He's pleased with me. I don't feel that grace from others though. Maybe it's something I've done to myself, because I chose to believe their words, rather than God's words.

The breakthrough...
A few nights ago I decided to pop in on the Arapahoe group bible study. I had been wanting to get to know the people in that group better (especially Betsy: my friend crush), so I made the plan to attend and get to know new people. The group was discussing the book of Hosea, one of my favorites, and were doing a quick overview of the first 6 chapters and then would discuss chapter 7. Now normally at bible studies, I sit quietly and keep my thoughts to myself. As the group was discussing, I started to feel those anxious feelings I described above and was sitting there thinking, "don't ask me anything!" But, the feelings were intensifying and at the same time, I kept having the strong urge to open my mouth and share. What? I sat there twisting and fidgeting when finally there was a pause and I thought now or never and opened my mouth to say, "May I make a suggestion...?" And then off I went. The more I talked the more comfortable and at ease I felt. With each word, I felt all of that fear being cast off of me. As I was speaking I totally felt the Lord healing me in ways that I've never felt before. I actually remember thinking, "who am I and where is this coming from?" It was such an amazing feeling. Actually, on my road home I cried because I have felt for so long that I've had a muzzle on my mouth. And the Lord in His mercy and grace, as I was obedient to speak what He put in me, removed from me one of my constant companions: feeling unworthy to speak.

I was elated to say the least. But then it occurred to me: "hmm, all of this time, I was so busy focusing on the fear, that I wasn't realizing that God has been wanting me to speak what I know." What a crazy thought? It was my epiphany for the week. I, in my fear only focused on the negative of messing up, when I should have been using that anxiousness as an alert that God is wanting me to step out and speak up. When I was sharing this with my wonderful friend Julia, she told me that she normally gets a heart racing feeling when she knows she has something to share. Which confirmed in me that yes, I was allowing the anxiousness of speaking keep me quiet. I had been keeping myself muzzled out of fear.

Now that I know, I need to remember to keep the muzzle off of me. To not be afraid to speak, or sing, what I know the Lord is saying and to be confident in who I am and what I have to offer. Sounds easy enough, but I know it's going to be a day by day, step by step process that I walk out in faith.

Hand clap for "breakthrough's" everyone!!