surprise, surprise

i'm thinking that i need to STOP thinking so much!

Sulky Rae

because i've been frustrated, for lack of a better word, i have been quite pouty lately. i've chosen to ignore God and keep myself from Him. i guess you could say i've been punishing Him. and we all know, i'm only punishing myself and making it harder on me. anyway, so as i was saying, i've been pouty. i've just been frustrated and i don't want to hear about this goodness, when i'm having a difficult time seeing it. so a few days ago, i was sitting on my bed, while staring at my bible--as it was there taunting me. and i said out loud, literally, "F that. i'm not reading!" and i continued to go about my usualness. and as i paced about my room, ignoring, i finally gave in. i sat on my bed, grabbed my bible and said, "fine, i'm just going to open and read the first verse that pops out. but that's it. nothing else. do you hear me? one verse!!" and this is what i read....

"For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”
Zephaniah 3:17

Hello!!!

and after reading that, i was reminded that even though i don't understand, God IS always present. and sometimes i just may not get to "know" or "understand" everything. but what matters is that i keep walking forward. and even in all the sh*t that doesn't make sense, He is still there to delight in me--even when i doubt Him, to calm me as my anxiety grows and to rejoice over me with a song.

i'm trying to get there!! until then, i'm just going to hold on to this verse.
and choose to trust in His goodness.

hmm...

not sure i like the journey right now. and hopefully i will see it's benefits sooner, rather than later. that would definitely be a plus in my book.

i'm being challenged and pushed.
i'm beyond uncomfortable.
i'm questioning things i've never questioned before.
i'm not myself anymore.

BUT, i have hope that when i come out on the other side of this, i will have broken more chains that keep me bound.
and will be steps closer to being my true self in the fullest.

yippy skippy

it's all going to be okay. i know it is.
i do believe i over-analyze and allow myself to get worked up and worried so easily. but, i have faith that God will take care of me and my future. am i frustrated that i'm not a 100%--heck or even 50%--sure on what it is right at this moment? absolutely. but i can't change anything; nor can i speed up God and His plan for my life.

there's nothing left to do but ride this out and see where i land!!

yippy skippy!!

happy place?

Yep, something like that!!

ugh!

the journey to finding yourself is not an easy one. at least not for me. maybe for others, they just kinda fall into "who they are"? who knows? but what i do know...not me. i'm trying so hard to shed all the layers that i have put on me, and the layers that others have put upon me--that i allowed. and it's tough, really really tough. i'm not exactly sure WHO I AM?? and i feel like i've been asking this question for the past, oh 15 or so years!!!


ugh, i don't even know!!

s.a.t.i.s.f.a.c.t.i.o.n.

i have this fear. and i realize it's the fear that has been in the pit of my stomach for the majority of my life. and that fear is, "what if i'm never satisfied." i mean seriously, will i spend the rest of my life looking for myself? or for what my purpose is?

the thought of that makes me weary.

i remember as a child, i really believed i was going to be or do something "special". i truly believed that God had this cool thing for me to do that no one else could do. and as life passes by i've lost the belief in that dream; and sadly i've lost that little girl. i can barely see her. i search for her. but i can't seem to dig her out. and i think that's why i feel so unsatisfied. because i lost myself. and until i can find me, nothing will ever feel at home. because i'm not at home within myself.