Breakthrough's

Those who know me well, know that I have dealt with an intense fear when it comes to talking in a here's my opinion & thoughts on a subject, or a thus sayeth the Lord type setting. I get extremely nervous. Normally I feel overwhelmed with nausea, have sweaty palms, a racing heart and want to bolt out of the nearest exit. Which is really peculiar for me, as I spent a good majority of my life in theater. I think the difference is in theater, I'm playing another character. I get to be someone else and not be me. Yet, when it's time to discuss the Bible, pray in large groups, or speak about what I know that God has for me to say, I get overwhelmed with a plethora of fears that it will either:

a) be wrong,

b) I'll be a fumbling mess & tears will ensue,

c) thoughts of unworthiness set in, or

d) all of the above.

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. It's so frustrating. Picture this: sitting in a large room with other leaders, Brad asking everyone to go around the room and share their rhythm and essence. As people start going around and it gets closer to me, I feel like I'm going to pass out right then and there, so I quickly began to formulate a plan that will get me out of the room. It not only happens with speaking, but it invades my singing as well. I hear all the voices who said I wasn't good enough screaming in my head, so I barely sing into the mic. Which makes the sound guy/gal crazy. Sorry friends, I appreciate all you do for me! And I know that I know, there have been times when God has asked me to sing out. But I let fear overtake me and thoughts that Julie or Asher will do it better or so & so...and the list goes on. It's that way when I have something to say. Basically, it's paralyzing and has always been so frustrating. Because when I'm home alone with the Lord I'm not afraid to speak, to sing, to be who God has made me to be. Actually, I feel most at peace and wise and talented when I'm alone with the Lord. I know He won't judge and that He's pleased with me. I don't feel that grace from others though. Maybe it's something I've done to myself, because I chose to believe their words, rather than God's words.

The breakthrough...
A few nights ago I decided to pop in on the Arapahoe group bible study. I had been wanting to get to know the people in that group better (especially Betsy: my friend crush), so I made the plan to attend and get to know new people. The group was discussing the book of Hosea, one of my favorites, and were doing a quick overview of the first 6 chapters and then would discuss chapter 7. Now normally at bible studies, I sit quietly and keep my thoughts to myself. As the group was discussing, I started to feel those anxious feelings I described above and was sitting there thinking, "don't ask me anything!" But, the feelings were intensifying and at the same time, I kept having the strong urge to open my mouth and share. What? I sat there twisting and fidgeting when finally there was a pause and I thought now or never and opened my mouth to say, "May I make a suggestion...?" And then off I went. The more I talked the more comfortable and at ease I felt. With each word, I felt all of that fear being cast off of me. As I was speaking I totally felt the Lord healing me in ways that I've never felt before. I actually remember thinking, "who am I and where is this coming from?" It was such an amazing feeling. Actually, on my road home I cried because I have felt for so long that I've had a muzzle on my mouth. And the Lord in His mercy and grace, as I was obedient to speak what He put in me, removed from me one of my constant companions: feeling unworthy to speak.

I was elated to say the least. But then it occurred to me: "hmm, all of this time, I was so busy focusing on the fear, that I wasn't realizing that God has been wanting me to speak what I know." What a crazy thought? It was my epiphany for the week. I, in my fear only focused on the negative of messing up, when I should have been using that anxiousness as an alert that God is wanting me to step out and speak up. When I was sharing this with my wonderful friend Julia, she told me that she normally gets a heart racing feeling when she knows she has something to share. Which confirmed in me that yes, I was allowing the anxiousness of speaking keep me quiet. I had been keeping myself muzzled out of fear.

Now that I know, I need to remember to keep the muzzle off of me. To not be afraid to speak, or sing, what I know the Lord is saying and to be confident in who I am and what I have to offer. Sounds easy enough, but I know it's going to be a day by day, step by step process that I walk out in faith.

Hand clap for "breakthrough's" everyone!!

Learning to Dream Again

I'm desperately trying to sleep. But this evening the thoughts that are running through my head are keeping me awake in a pensive state. I have so many questions and wonderings that can't seem to find a place to land. Do I stay in Boulder? I do love this town and all that it encompasses. Move to Utah? I'm not afraid to admit that it has a big part of my heart. Maybe the Portland area? It's definitely on the radar now thanks to the making of new, and what I know will be lasting, friends. Maybe, maybe, maybe? And that's just the tip of the iceberg; I'm questioning everything from my job to my purpose & ministry. And I've been frustrated because I can't figure out my next step. I'm having a hard time nailing down exactly what I want. Why is this so difficult? So, tonight, I've been trying to figure out why I can't make a decision for my life. And then it occurred to me that I'm having difficulty making this decision because I'm not 100% sure what it is I truly want for my life anymore. I've become numb and am now living in survival mode. I've tucked any dreams I may have had into a safe little box that is now gathering dust and cobwebs. Not only have I tucked my most treasured dreams away, but i've quit dreaming completely. How can I make a decision when I can't dream about my future? 

Hmmm....? When did I quit dreaming? And how do I dare to dream again?

I believe it's because I've allowed myself to be put in a box of limitations. I've accepted what others have said about who I am to take away dreams that were precious to me. It's not there fault. It's mine for believing it and letting go of what I know that is on the inside of me. The power that negative words have is astounding. And they have a way of seeping into your soul so deep that you just believe it to be true. For some reason, we never want to believe the good about ourself. I've been asking the Lord to show me how He sees me. After all, If I want a correct view of myself, then I need to go to my Creator. He knows me better than anyone. He knows every step I'll take; so I should be asking Him for His opinion of me. I've been trusting more in Him everyday as I've been laying down things, wants, people, ideas that I've been gripping onto for so long; because I felt that they would complete me or make me feel more alive. 

All of that to say...

I'm letting go of all that keeps me bound and locked--especially in myself. And I've decided that I need to learn to dream again. Real dreams. Dreams that only God can fulfill. And as I allow more of Him to seep into me and replace the negative influences that I've let keep me in fear, I will be able to become more like Him. I will be able to truly hear Him, without the clanging sound of negative voices, when He whispers all that He has for me in my ear. And without fear that people won't "see" that I'm worthy or fit to do what God has for me, I will step out and into who I was created to be. I am no longer seeking the approval of man. I've done that too long; and it's cost me much. I've lost myself in that mentality. Instead I'm opening myself up completely to the One who knows me best. The One who can pour all of His desires for me into the depths of my soul, until His desires for me are my desires. The desires that have been in me all along, but I was too afraid to believe them. 

Here's to Learning to Dream again!!